2026 02 23: In Search of Myself
Man in the mirror. Kingdom, Illinois. February, 2026 © Clayton Hauck
In search of higher ground; in search of my next wave; in search of myself.
I wanted to take a moment to attempt to roughly and quickly capture some of the struggle I’m currently going through as a creative in 2026. This won’t be a polished thought piece, but instead likely a jumbled mess of thoughts with the main aim of being helpful to perhaps get me to better understand what I even think about the subject. We write so we can learn how we think, and these days I’m thinking far too many thoughts to even come close to comprehending where my head is at.
I’m doing way too many things and I’m well aware of this. The justifications are:
My previous Period of Stability came to an end (against my desires) and I’m now in search of a new thing to keep me occupied in a fiscally-responsible manner.
The world is a mess (especially the creative world) in the sense that, while anything is now possible, that largely means that nothing is really possible for most people… We are awash in content. Everyone is a creator. Computers are now capable of doing much of the creating. The math isn’t mathing.
I never fully figured out who I am or what it is I’m here to make (I just know making things is what makes me function best…happy). Sure, I’ve been living the life of an artist for a few decades, but never with enough focus or purpose. Now it’s time to change this, despite the outcome (my hesitancy has been based in fear it will not “work” and so I don’t fully believe in myself or in the path of an artist).
Deeper thinking on the previous thought: one big fear is that I know this path will be an endless grind and am not convinced I’m capable of the trade-off required of me. I wanted to make a documentary about this very struggle but my subject died before we had a chance.
If I’m too busy doing stuff, I won’t have the time I previously had to stew (and I’m very good at stewing!) on how ominous the situation now is. I’m protecting myself from myself in whatever ways I can.
My elder-Millennial bones are craving the simpler times that I was fortunate enough to experience in my youth before cell phones took over our brains. Because of this, I’m actively choosing to explore completely new ventures in things like a physical event space (See You Soon) and a photobook shop (Realm Books).
Doing the “normal person thing” and getting a “regular job” also feels increasingly difficult so why settle?
I think this is a good place to leave it for now. Some of these thoughts are quite dark while others are filled with optimism (at least in my head). Currently, I’m very much attempting optimism because I believe it’s a great tool that anyone can use (and my natural tendency is towards pessimism). Thinking positive thoughts and manifesting a new reality are things that both feel cringe to me but also don’t have much of a downside. Or perhaps better put: they do have clear downsides, but we won’t get into that today! You gotta stay positive.
I’m good enough; I’m smart enough; and dog-gonnit, people like me!
Elder Millennial, blogging into the breeze, OUT!
-Clayton
